Today I am heartbroken and angry. My friend died last Friday night from a heroin overdose. I worked with him but we weren’t close. Today was his visitation, I am so angry at my work place. My boss was away at corporate but there are two other managers hat work there. Neither one of them went to his viewing. I am so frustrated and disappointed about his. It’s not like there are hundreds or thousands of people that work there. There are less than 30.
My opinion? We should have closed the shop at 3pm. Asked for a volunteer to stay on call and then everyone should have gone home, got. Leaked up and headed down to the viewing together. We should have shown up in solidarity and support for this family. We should have shown them how much we did love Nick. Even if it didn’t show in life.
But that didn’t happen. We went on business as usual. We just worked and said oh well. That just sucks. He deserved more than that. He was a good guy. He loved his wife. She loved him.
I am so disappointed.
Sigh. I lost a co-worker this weekend. One of my favorites. Were we close friends? No…but I will surely miss him. I will miss his quick smile. The smell of his chicken pots pies at lunch and the easy quick conversations about not much at all.
I kinda knew he was battling something and most days I was pretty sure he was winning. He had to be winning right? He showed up to work every day. He worked hard while he was there and he was a leader. Like all of us, he had his good days and not so good days. Some days he just acted strange but never…NEVER off like mean or anything like that. He was genuinely a nice guy.
A couple months ago he got a promotion. His first week doing that new job on his own he had an accident. An expensive accident for the shop. He made a mistake. So of course that demands a drug test. GUYS…HE PASSED! He couldn’t have known it was coming and he was never afforded an opportunity of time to cover up. I took him to the clinic myself. HE WAS CLEAN! I was relieved. I was thankful.
So how does this happen? I just sincerely don’t understand.
How do I go about life and not let myself believe the signs? Or worse yet, not see them at all? How do time and time again I miss them? This is not the first time I have felt like I have failed at being a friend. Am I THAT self absorbed that I can’t see what is happening around me? Or do I simply choose not to see it? Do I ignore it subconsciously? Or am I so naive that I don’t even understand the signs?
Pastor Danny mentioned in this week’s sermon about how God puts difficult people in our lives for US. So that we can learn things about ourselves through our experiences with them. He also said something that resonated deeply with me because I often think the same thing about going through the same thing over and over again and it is something like this: Man, I really wish I could learn this lesson already. Obviously I haven’t figured it out yet because I’m facing this same issue over and over again.
I can’t help but feel this way about this too.
I lost a dear friend of mine nearly 14 years ago to suicide. I was supposed to go check on her that day as her behavior had become worrisome to my other co-workers and they knew her and I were closer than most other co-workers. I didn’t go. She had addiction issues. I never thought they were all that bad. I was wrong.
I lost my husband 3 years ago. He’s not dead to anyone but me I suppose. I lived with him for close to 16 years and had NO IDEA until the last 3-4 months that he was using heavy drugs. I mean seriously. No clue. I thought he was cheating on me. He swore he wasn’t but he was. Not with a human but with something much worse. Had I figured it out sooner, the end of my marriage might have been extremely different.
Now Nick. I’m pretty sure that even if I figured this one out I would have had no influence over the outcome but what if I could have? Did I miss an opportunity to help a friend like I did in the other situations?
I have so many doubts. Is there a lesson I am missing? Am I failing as a friend? And I failing my God? What is the purpose in all of this? I want desperately to know. I have no idea where to even begin.