We’ve all seen the “quotes” about being alone in a room full of people. So many people share it because it resonates with so many people. Right? Yet each time we experience the feeling it’s like we are all alone on an island. One of the hardest things to do is to sit in the moment and realize that it is simply not true. That the enemy is speaking to us at that very moment telling us we are alone. This can bring up a few different things to talk about but here ate the 2 that first come to mind. 1. God calls us to be in relationship with others. 2. The enemy must find this a very easy way to compromise us as so many relate to this scenario.
Personally, I find it very difficult to do life with people. I wish that wasn’t the case but ya know it just is. People disappoint us every day all day long. They are human and hard to trust. They constantly say they are going to do one thing and then do the opposite. That is hurtful. It then make you feel like you are all alone.
I almost forgot to write tonight. I am super tired and my stomach feels weird. I know why and that is what you all get to read about tonight.
I drive ride share part time in the fall, winter and spring months or dance months. Lol whatever you want to call them. They are the months my daughter dances and when I have a dance bill to pay! So tonight I was out hustling for dance money. (Don’t chicks usually hustle by dancing?) lol I digress. So I was out making some money for dance classes. That is why I am tired. When I got done, I still had points left (I do weight watchers) so I stopped by Kroger on my way home and picked up some Chocolate Almond crunch Halo Top! Omg so so very good. So I then proceeded to eat over half of the pint! Point wise I am fine but my body is not used to processing that stuff so much anymore. I’ve been back on WW for a little over 3 months now and I am down 18.6 pounds. My body enjoys the fruits and vegetables. My taste buds prefer the ice cream! Lol. My dog wants to try the Halo Top and I refuse to share. He’s not happy but my child could care less!
Today I am heartbroken and angry. My friend died last Friday night from a heroin overdose. I worked with him but we weren’t close. Today was his visitation, I am so angry at my work place. My boss was away at corporate but there are two other managers hat work there. Neither one of them went to his viewing. I am so frustrated and disappointed about his. It’s not like there are hundreds or thousands of people that work there. There are less than 30.
My opinion? We should have closed the shop at 3pm. Asked for a volunteer to stay on call and then everyone should have gone home, got. Leaked up and headed down to the viewing together. We should have shown up in solidarity and support for this family. We should have shown them how much we did love Nick. Even if it didn’t show in life.
But that didn’t happen. We went on business as usual. We just worked and said oh well. That just sucks. He deserved more than that. He was a good guy. He loved his wife. She loved him.
I am so disappointed.
I have often said that I deal with grief, stress and disappointment in my kitchen. I use my kitchen as a sort of therapy. Usually I bake. Cookies, cakes, quick breads, breads. Carbs carbs and more sugar and carbs. I have self medicated for years with my baking habit and boy does it show.
In May I finally got really fed up with myself. I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter. Holy Smokes! How do I know how much I weighed? Well, I went back to weight watchers. Yes, back. I am actually a lifetime member. I lost 20 pounds and got to my goal weight around 10 years ago. Now? In May I had 50 lbs to lose to get there again. Was I mad at myself? No. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I have come to realize that to get mad at myself and talk down to myself is completely destructive. How can I expect other people to treat me with respect if I don’t treat myself that way? I can’t so instead of beating myself up and using derogatory self talk, I have chosen a path of forgiveness. Awareness and forgiveness. I am choosing to make BETTER choices not PERFECT choices. I don’t expect myself to stay “on plan” 24/7 365. I do expect myself to make better choices than I have been in the past and to track everything I possibly can.
So how is this working for me? Well, not too bad. I started back to weight watchers with my first weigh in on Tuesday, May 16, 2017. I weighed 199.4. As of today, Tuesday, August 22, 2017 I have lost 18.6 pounds and currently weigh 180.8 pounds. That is 18.6 pounds over 14 weeks which is 1.33 pounds per week! Would I have loved to average 2 pounds per week? Duh. Yeah. But could it have just as easily gone the other way and I actually gained instead of losing? Yep! So listen, I am perfectly content with where I am. I still have a little over 30 pounds yet to lose to hit goal weight but I will get this done. And even after I reach my goal, I will continue to go to meetings.
So how did I come up with the post title? Well, because I therapy cooked today. This is what all I made.
1. Beef Vegetable Soup.
I thawed out a roast potatoes and carrot combo I had in the freezer. I put it in the crock pot with a couple cups of water. I cooked the nonsense out of it, added some great beans, corn and fire roasted diced tomatoes. I seasoned it up and by golly, it’s pretty tasty.
2. Cauliflower Crust Pizza
I’ve been wanting to try this for a while and The Pioneer Woman’s FB post was spot on today so I gave it a shot! Wow was this good! 7 pets for 1/2 the cheese pizza.
3. MudHustler’s Bird Ballz geesh they are pretty tasty as they are. Now I have to figure out what exactly I am supposed to do,with them. I am pretty sure they will freeze well. These will,also make excellent chicken burgers.
So instead of baking tonight, I made healthier choices to curb my therapy.i will bake this week but probably not until Sunday!
I should be asleep already. I am tired enough and it is late enough but for some reason I think I should write something. I haven’t written anything in well over 2 years and here I am going 2 for 2. The funniest part is that this is probably just going to be a post about nothing. I’m not really fired up about anything today.
Of course today was the eclipse. I imagine that every body under that big old sun is writing something and posting pictures but honestly, it didn’t get me too fired up. Yes, I went outside and yes, I took pictures but they were unimpressive as most of my pictures are. I am not good at taking photos but just like my singing, just because I can’t doesn’t mean I won’t! Every once in a while I will capture a good shot and every once in a while someone will write a song I really like that is actually in my range and I can sing it.
A bit like my writing too. I’m not all that good or profound at writing. My opinions are not too popular most of the time and my grammar can be just downright awful but again, that doesn’t stop me from writing when I feel like it.
I guess I just figured out what this post is actually going to be about. Doing things because you can, because you want to, because you feel called to is pretty much what we’re are supposed to do in life right? What do they say “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.” Or something like that. Just because we aren’t an expert in something doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. That is how we learn. No one starts off being perfect or the best. We have to work at it. I believe that this affliction is something that has been passed down from generation to generation in my family.
The affliction is perfectionism. The affliction is the expectation that we have to be the best from the get go and that if we have to work too hard for something we just aren’t going to be the best at it ever. I am trying to break this cycle with my child but it is not easy. This need to be the best a things immediately does not seem to be a learned behavior but rather an instinct. The need for control and for perfection seems to also be an instinct. At least I hope that is the case because I will be so disappointed in myself if that is what I taught my child in her formative years and did not even really know that was what I was doing. Honestly, I have not fully figured out how to get over this issue which makes it even that much more difficult to help her navigate through the waters. But this year we will make big strides towards accepting ourselves and our limitations and trying to pick out and identify the important things that will shape our future and concentrating on them. Focus on what is to come and create a game plan of hard work and dedication to get there.
A one year, a five year and a 10 year plan. We will make it!
Sigh. I lost a co-worker this weekend. One of my favorites. Were we close friends? No…but I will surely miss him. I will miss his quick smile. The smell of his chicken pots pies at lunch and the easy quick conversations about not much at all.
I kinda knew he was battling something and most days I was pretty sure he was winning. He had to be winning right? He showed up to work every day. He worked hard while he was there and he was a leader. Like all of us, he had his good days and not so good days. Some days he just acted strange but never…NEVER off like mean or anything like that. He was genuinely a nice guy.
A couple months ago he got a promotion. His first week doing that new job on his own he had an accident. An expensive accident for the shop. He made a mistake. So of course that demands a drug test. GUYS…HE PASSED! He couldn’t have known it was coming and he was never afforded an opportunity of time to cover up. I took him to the clinic myself. HE WAS CLEAN! I was relieved. I was thankful.
So how does this happen? I just sincerely don’t understand.
How do I go about life and not let myself believe the signs? Or worse yet, not see them at all? How do time and time again I miss them? This is not the first time I have felt like I have failed at being a friend. Am I THAT self absorbed that I can’t see what is happening around me? Or do I simply choose not to see it? Do I ignore it subconsciously? Or am I so naive that I don’t even understand the signs?
Pastor Danny mentioned in this week’s sermon about how God puts difficult people in our lives for US. So that we can learn things about ourselves through our experiences with them. He also said something that resonated deeply with me because I often think the same thing about going through the same thing over and over again and it is something like this: Man, I really wish I could learn this lesson already. Obviously I haven’t figured it out yet because I’m facing this same issue over and over again.
I can’t help but feel this way about this too.
I lost a dear friend of mine nearly 14 years ago to suicide. I was supposed to go check on her that day as her behavior had become worrisome to my other co-workers and they knew her and I were closer than most other co-workers. I didn’t go. She had addiction issues. I never thought they were all that bad. I was wrong.
I lost my husband 3 years ago. He’s not dead to anyone but me I suppose. I lived with him for close to 16 years and had NO IDEA until the last 3-4 months that he was using heavy drugs. I mean seriously. No clue. I thought he was cheating on me. He swore he wasn’t but he was. Not with a human but with something much worse. Had I figured it out sooner, the end of my marriage might have been extremely different.
Now Nick. I’m pretty sure that even if I figured this one out I would have had no influence over the outcome but what if I could have? Did I miss an opportunity to help a friend like I did in the other situations?
I have so many doubts. Is there a lesson I am missing? Am I failing as a friend? And I failing my God? What is the purpose in all of this? I want desperately to know. I have no idea where to even begin.