One Woman's View on Life

Thank you for visiting my life!

Welcome to my world or my life. Here you will find my opinions, my entertainment, my joys, my sorrows and in general my life. You might find recipes. You might find fun things to do. You might find political views. Truth is, like me, it will be unpredictable. I hope you enjoy it!

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I should be asleep…

I should be asleep already. I am tired enough and it is late enough but for some reason I think I should write something. I haven’t written anything in well over 2 years and here I am going 2 for 2. The funniest part is that this is probably just going to be a post about nothing. I’m not really fired up about anything today.

Of course today was the eclipse. I imagine that every body under that big old sun is writing something and posting pictures but honestly, it didn’t get me too fired up. Yes, I went outside and yes, I took pictures but they were unimpressive as most of my pictures are. I am not good at taking photos but just like my singing, just because I can’t doesn’t mean I won’t! Every once in a while I will capture a good shot and every once in a while someone will write a song I really like that is actually in my range and I can sing it.

A bit like my writing too. I’m not all that good or profound at writing. My opinions are not too popular most of the time and my grammar can be just downright awful but again, that doesn’t stop me from writing when I feel like it.

I guess I just figured out what this post is actually going to be about. Doing things because you can, because you want to, because you feel called to is pretty much what we’re are supposed to do in life right? What do they say “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.” Or something like that. Just because we aren’t an expert in something doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. That is how we learn. No one starts off being perfect or the best. We have to work at it. I believe that this affliction is something that has been passed down from generation to generation in my family.

The affliction is perfectionism. The affliction is the expectation that we have to be the best from the get go and that if we have to work too hard for something we just aren’t going to be the best at it ever. I am trying to break this cycle with my child but it is not easy. This need to be the best a things immediately does not seem to be a learned behavior but rather an instinct. The need for control and for perfection seems to also be an instinct. At least I hope that is the case because I will be so disappointed in myself if that is what I taught my child in her formative years and did not even really know that was what I was doing. Honestly, I have not fully figured out how to get over this issue which makes it even that much more difficult to help her navigate through the waters. But this year we will make big strides towards accepting ourselves and our limitations and trying to pick out and identify the important things that will shape our future and concentrating on them. Focus on what is to come and create a game plan of hard work and dedication to get there.

A one year, a five year and a 10 year plan. We will make it!

Where is God in this?

Sigh. I lost a co-worker this weekend. One of my favorites. Were we close friends? No…but I will surely miss him. I will miss his quick smile. The smell of his chicken pots pies at lunch and the easy quick conversations about not much at all.

I kinda knew he was battling something and most days I was pretty sure he was winning. He had to be winning right? He showed up to work every day. He worked hard while he was there and he was a leader. Like all of us, he had his good days and not so good days. Some days he just acted strange but never…NEVER off like mean or anything like that. He was genuinely a nice guy.

A couple months ago he got a promotion. His first week doing that new job on his own he had an accident. An expensive accident for the shop. He made a mistake. So of course that demands a drug test. GUYS…HE PASSED! He couldn’t have known it was coming and he was never afforded an opportunity of time to cover up. I took him to the clinic myself. HE WAS CLEAN! I was relieved. I was thankful.

So how does this happen? I just sincerely don’t understand.

How do I go about life and not let myself believe the signs? Or worse yet, not see them at all? How do time and time again I miss them? This is not the first time I have felt like I have failed at being a friend. Am I THAT self absorbed that I can’t see what is happening around me? Or do I simply choose not to see it? Do I ignore it subconsciously? Or am I so naive that I don’t even understand the signs?

Pastor Danny mentioned in this week’s sermon about how God puts difficult people in our lives for US. So that we can learn things about ourselves through our experiences with them. He also said something that resonated deeply with me because I often think the same thing about going through the same thing over and over again and it is something like this: Man, I really wish I could learn this lesson already. Obviously I haven’t figured it out yet because I’m facing this same issue over and over again.

I can’t help but feel this way about this too.

I lost a dear friend of mine nearly 14 years ago to suicide. I was supposed to go check on her that day as her behavior had become worrisome to my other co-workers and they knew her and I were closer than most other co-workers. I didn’t go. She had addiction issues. I never thought they were all that bad. I was wrong.

I lost my husband 3 years ago. He’s not dead to anyone but me I suppose. I lived with him for close to 16 years and had NO IDEA until the last 3-4 months that he was using heavy drugs. I mean seriously. No clue. I thought he was cheating on me. He swore he wasn’t but he was. Not with a human but with something much worse. Had I figured it out sooner, the end of my marriage might have been extremely different.

Now Nick. I’m pretty sure that even if I figured this one out I would have had no influence over the outcome but what if I could have? Did I miss an opportunity to help a friend like I did in the other situations?

I have so many doubts. Is there a lesson I am missing? Am I failing as a friend? And I failing my God? What is the purpose in all of this? I want desperately to know. I have no idea where to even begin.

Protected: Complete and Utter Hatred

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Protected: It’s a Roller Coaster of Emotions

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Protected: Birthday and a new girlfriend?

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Protected: Divorce and Addicition

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Protected: Beginning my Journey through Divorce

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